Sexual Fantasies

Sexual Fantasies can be look at as a reorganization of bits and pieces of memory. These memories can be motor, sensory or mental/ symbolic. They may be so drastically reorganized that we don’t even recognize the original component. Now, some fantasies are very clear and well-defined. Others can be merely fleeting impressions. However, not all of our fantasies are sexual fantasies. Some may be about the future, tonight’s date, your vacation next week, or a shopping trip, etc. Fantasies can occur in the waking hours or semi-sleep, or they may occur during deep sleep; which are formally known as “dreams”.

Fantasies may occur unexpectedly or we may try to produce fantasy material during sexual activity. Fantasies are most commonly used during masturbation! According to Kinsey Research, 64% of women and 89% of men interviewed fantasized while masturbating. Therefore, 36% of women and 11% of men have never fantasized while masturbating.

Please tell me if this is true: People who fantasize during masturbation may also fantasize while engaged in sexual activity with a partner. As well as, some sexual dreaming.

Fantasies may be a foundation for sexual pleasure, but many of us have been inaccurately taught that “normal” sex covers a very controlled range of behavior. We sometimes feel guilty, embarrassed,  or ashamed if our fantasies go beyond these limitations. We need to realize that both our behaviors and fantasies are considered within the range of “normal” sexual behavior. It is beneficial to be aware of what other people do. We will learn that our fantasies are not “strange” or “abnormal”, but unique and widely shared.

Plus, talking about our sexual fantasies with others can give us sense of connectedness and support or even more ideas to fantasize about. It can be a source of sexual enrichment and of course sharing sexual fantasies with our partner can be a  very powerful intimate experience as well!

So, I challenge all of you to talk with someone about your sexual fantasies, compare notes and I will almost guarantee that your ideas are not so far fetch!

Love Me or Love Me Not?

Authentic Love. What is it?  Well, I’m no expert on this topic so I’m not going to pretend to be! But, I have studied and researched about it both academically and spiritually. However, what I have came up with was…. Nothing. I didn’t know what real love was after all the reading, research, papers (yes I’ve written papers on love), and personal interviews – I knew nothing. I guess the reason why I didn’t  know was because I didn’t see it in my daily life. I knew what inauthentic love was, but I didn’t know real love. Not until I went on a Buddhist retreat ( yes! I am a Buddhist) and asked my Buddhist teacher that very question. His response was simply this: Freedom.

Now some of you may be thinking what do you mean by love is freedom? Well, what that simply means is loving the person whom your with as they are. Now I know that may seems like an abstract idealistic explanation, but its true. The best example I can give is your relationship to your best friend. He/She are beautiful in every way, they are funny, sometimes annoying, trustworthy, can be very hurtful with the truth, but you respect them and cherish their uniqueness above all others. So, what is the difference between your best friend and your lover? Sexual intimacy. Generally, some may not try to change their best friend to be more like you or more like what who you think they should be. Generally, some may not try to be manipulative or abusive in anyway to their best friend, but many people are to their lovers.

So, I want you to ask yourself something: when you say “I love you” who are you truly loving? He/She for who they really are or are you only loving who they have the potential to be?