War is such an ugly condition of the human race. Whether, it’s The War on Terrorism or the war within ourselves; it brings together two opposing forces that will never win. War, no matter who’s fighting will never solve the problem if sacrifices must be made. One cannot become whole if a limb must be sacrificed. Wars are not won that way and the battle only exist to satisfy the egoic mind. The underlying truth to war is the explosion of unsatisfaction within ourselves and others. We will always lose as a race if the problems we address are the ones produced superficially. Manifestation starts within, our reality is within, our emotions, secrets, pain, distrust, unworthiness all lies within. We live in a world where pain and suffering is the norm which manifest into such horrific crimes, losses and heart breaks. Sometimes it’s difficult to see what is true compassion and love, but at times one may get a glimpse or a moment when the chaos is at its worse. Beauty is everywhere and sometime the most beautiful moments happen when the unhappiness almost engulfs your Spirit. There is something so beautiful about being held when you were ready to give up or staring into the eyes of a stranger with such gratitude when moments before you thought all was loss. In order to heal, compassion must exist; it’s depended upon the survival of our hearts and achieving true enlightenment.
March 14th marks the annual Steak and BJ Day or the male version of Valentine’s Day. Personally, this is my favorite non-hallmark holiday because the expectation of this day is displayed in the title. Simplicity should be valued and showing your appreciation to a deserving man is what this day is all about! I implore women and men world wide to show your gratitude for that special person being apart of your life. The number one complaint I receive from men is their deep feelings of under appreciation from their female partners. Their lamentation stems from societies expectation for the proper accommodation of females need and wants. Now, I agree with this statement because any female knows her need and wants should be accommodated in terms of a romantic relationship. However, sometimes I do believe that we drop the ball when it comes to making sure our partner is just as satisfied as we are. It’s important to be mindful of the ebb and flow of any relationship. It takes two to create harmony between both parties. So it’s important to make every effort count to someone you trust is worth it. So let today be the day men open up your mouth and ladies open up your throat and let the love and appreciation just Flow!
Everyone wants to fall in love. It doesn’t matter who you are or how many times you’ve been “hurt”. As human we have this natural ability to desire connectedness to one another. We live interdependent of each other and we depend on other’s goods and services to survive. Our societies are built upon the labourers of men and women to keep everyone a float and that includes emotional involvement. Some people like to negate the fact that we depend on one another to help with our emotional turmoil. The bad break-ups, the dysfunctional family, the fall outs of friends, etc.. How else are we able to process these emotional events and make them a part of our life’s transition? We do that by opening up, trusting and embracing complete strangers. All the pain that one person caused can be/ is healed by another. Anything we lack we naturally look to compensate by engaging in certain activities, meeting someone new, buying a pet, etc.. But we never stop needing one another. So, when it comes to falling in love it’s taking that want and that desire one step closer. Love is such an ambiguous term based upon one’s perception, social conditioning and life’s experiences. So one person’s version of falling in love may not look like another, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. However, the trick in understanding if a love is right is one that compliments you both internally and externally. What you feel in the inside must match what you see and both parties must agree. If a disconnect does occur, then you’ll always feel it first before you’ll see it. The reason why that happens is because when you fall in love you’re connected with that person on a cellular level. Some connections are better than others, but the connection is there all the same. This is why you can sometimes feel when something is off with your partner, or just know that their behavior is very auspicious even when you may not have any evidence to declare the truth in your suspicion. So trusting your instincts and feelings are everything. Plus, not being afraid to communicate and expunge your vulnerabilities is another. So embrace the reality of love and exercise the freedom of being who you are and cherish their acceptance of just that.
First, let me begin this entry with an apology for my long awaited absence. I anticipate August being a hot and steamy month for what I have in store! and I’m going to top it off with my coined topic of “The Sex Sense.” Now in celebration leading up to The National Sex Month in September, better known as “Sextember,” I would like to introduce different techniques to extrapolate all five senses. The purpose of these techniques are to get a workout of your senses in preparation in the following month ahead. It is the act of being more present and mindful in conjunction with sexual activity, as well as discovering a new level of intimacy and eroticism with yourself and the person or people you decide to share it with. Each week I will introduce a different technique accompanied with a different sense that I want you to focus on. What I am introducing is a form of meditation that I want you to harmonize your energies toward. Just as some Buddhist concentrate on the breath as their source in intensifying their practice; so too you will utilize each technique in order to intensify the sensitivity to each new experience that lies a head.
I have received a lot of conflicting feedback from Part 1 of this article. Apparently, I have struck a nerve with this thought provoking information. As an educator I am thrilled to know that everyone is taking there stand on this topic, while still being open minded enough to hear what I have to say. However, I do not believe I have effectively clarified the point of view of was trying to make. Some viewers thought I was trying to make my opinion on the Nature vs Nurture aspect of our sexual orientation. Advocating that our orientations are merely shaped by our social conditioning and inherited culture. On the contrary, in fact, the Nature vs Nurture debate was not on the forefront of this topic, but it does hold a lot of president over how we see the world through our eyes. However, the point of view of was making is simply this: What if the majority of people living in this world are naturally bisexual? Now the reason why I pose such a bold question and interesting point of view is going back to the Kinsey Study ( known as The Kinsey Scale) I illustrated in Part 1.
Remember, according to the statistic only 8% of males are exclusively homosexual and only 4% of males in this country are exclusively homosexual throughout their lives. That means the majority of men encountered both incidental and more than incidental homosexual situations and vice versa. Now the same can be said about females as well. According to Researchers, lesbians only make up roughly 10% of the female population. Now think about this, have you ever noticed when some people reveal their anecdotal experience of how they became aware of their homosexual nature they nearly always started out in a heterosexual relationship? Now with some people the only thing that tipped the scale was encountering an individual that induced the feeling of wholeness and oneness within themselves and each other that they never experienced with their heterosexual mates. Bottom line is biologically, the majority of us are prone to being attracted to the same and/or opposite sex, but it’s the connections we make, the feelings we induce and the love that we share that can reshape a person’s sexuality.
This subject matter is very controversial in the eyes of those who struggles with how they would correctly identify their sexual orientation. Heterosexual and homosexual orientations are clearly defined once they have been properly identified and accepted by each individual. However, when it comes to bisexuality the lines are very grey and still taboo to how one can come to the conclusion that they are bisexual. Now whether you are hetero, homo or bi it is defined as either male or female having interpersonal interest (with their male/and or female counterparts) emotionally, psychologically, socially and sexually, whether or not these interests are expressed overtly. Now for the longest people have picked apart this definition in order to degrade, punish, manipulate, exploit and confusion who they really as a sexual being. Many people have beliefs that if an individual has any type of attraction to some one of the same sex they are classified as homosexual/ and or bi. Now clearly from that definition alone there must be more clarification in order to identify.
According to Alfred Kinsey, in his book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, found that 37% of American males have at least one homosexual experience to orgasm after the age of puberty, while another 13% have homosexual urges, but do not act on them. Now that adds up to 50%. The Kinsey statistics have also indicated that, in any given 3 year period, 30% of the males in this country have incidental homosexual experience, 25% have more than incidental homosexual experience, 18% have as much homosexual as heterosexual experience, 10% are more or less exclusively homosexual, and 8% are exclusively homosexual. 4% of the men in this country, their findings showed, are exclusively homosexual throughout their lives. These statistics alone show the struggles we deal with in order to find out who we are due to social conditioning of the American culture. However, these statistics also brings up another controversial idea that have been suggested and speculated by many of the earliest Sexologist, which is the idea that we are all naturally bisexual. Many of the earliest Sexologist believe that if we were not afraid of our own bodies and other people’s bodies, and not intimidated by our prior conditioning, we would all be naturally bisexual. This is why it is easy to imagine some people choosing to be homosexual and some choosing to be heterosexual on the basis of individual preference developed through experience rather than through conditioning. Think about it. We naturally have relationships with both males and females on any given day. We exchange emotional, psychological and social explorations with all of our friends and natural day to day interactions with other people. The only difference being those who we are sexually attracted to, but we are constantly exchanging thoughts and emotions with everyone who we have a connection with. Therefore, bisexuality is really an expression of one’s true nature and one’s connection with other people. Bisexuals are attracted to “people” not necessarily to penises or clitorises; their style of life implies that people can love and enjoy other people without owning and imprisoning them.
Why do men and women fake orgasms? Now that is a trivial question pointing to two rival factors: social and biological.There are many societal acceptance that associates women being the “culprit ” for faking orgasms and society says: “that’s OK!” Many men and women share common excuses for faking orgasms such as:
- Only mature women do this in order to keep their man.
- We didn’t want our partners to know we didn’t reach orgasm, for the sake of protecting his/her and our own ego.
- We were not quite sure what an orgasm was.
Now there are many many more excuses we give in order to justify our inability to reach full sexual satisfaction, but some fail to realize that they’re biological factors at play as well. Men and women’s cognitive structures are very different because of the amount neuron-hormones they secrete. Women, in general, have a more sensitive route in achieving sexual satisfaction. According to Louann Brizendine M.D. the author of The Female Brain, in order for a woman to be sexually excited her amygdala (area of the brain that controls anger, anxiety and fear) must be deactivated. In other words, a woman must feel comfortable, safe and relaxed before her physiological responses will let her become sexually excited. The amygdala can be reactivated at anytime during sexual activity. Any type of disruption can really caught off a woman’s chance in reaching an orgasm. Whether it be the baby’s crying, the mood is off, your partner’s moans is a turn off, your teenage decided to come home early, etc. Anything or anyone can become your orgasm’s worst enemy and your worst nightmare!
Now for the men, men are very visual creatures. Men’s arousal are activated due to their primal instincts of female attractiveness. According to John Townsend the author of What Women Want-What Men Want:Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, unconsciously men associates wide hips, clear skin, shiny hair, and firm breast as signs of fertility. Therefore, men’s primary turn on is with the female body or the male body they are attracted to. Now I have seen such cases when men are deceived due to women’s style of clothing. Nowadays you can add or take away whatever part of your body that needs adjustment. But sometimes this can put men in really compatible situations where they are left feeling disgusted with themselves because they weren’t attracted to the” woman’s actual body.” Now when this happens, your brain is telling you that your partner would not be a good candidate for procreation. However, still they’re many different variables that can further explain why you cannot achieve an orgasm. Faking it will only get you but so far until you become utterly pissed and annoyed with your partner’s very existence! But I digress…. The important message here is to communicate, experiment and know your body’s physiological responses so you can better understand yourself as a sexual being.
One of the reasons why I’m such a strong advocate for healthy sexual practices is because it create a strong bond or connection between both partners. When you choose to be sexually intimate with someone; you are choosing to surrender some of your barriers and acknowledge your vulnerability to that person. Now the reason why only some of your barriers are being surrendered is because you are choosing to trust that person with your life (i.e STIs, unwanted pregnancies, assaults, etc). It does not matter how well or how little you know that person the initial process is always the same when you choose to trust. Now the beautiful thing about sex is ability to feel your partner’s energy field. Now the energy field implies the vibration frequency of your current state of mind or emotion. Every living and non-living thing has a vibration frequency attached to it. This is why we are able to empathizes with one another as well as sense positive or negative energy when we associate ourselves among a crowd. Therefore, the energy field that you can sense is your partner’s current emotion.
Part of what of makes good sex are both energy fields connecting and bonding with one another.The energy fields are vibrating at the same frequency, which mean both partners are on the same page on what they want or what they are looking for at that current moment. So, whether it be “we’re just fucking” or “we’re just making love” both partners are communicating effectively in their relationship pertaining to what they want. Therefore, sex can merely be just a reflection of your current communication skills in the relationship. Now a disconnect occurs when both partners are not on the same page. Whether it’s one person choosing to open up their heart and the other person is choosing to hold back or one person just wants to fuck while the other person is trying to make love, or etc. You can feel that disconnect or awkwardness that takes over the moment. Now some people choose to ignore it and others choose to acknowledge it, but they don’t understand how to articulate what it is that they’re feeling. So what happens ? Well, we create an illusion of how we want to feel. We create a person that doesn’t exist because we want to hide our pain and suffer less by attaching to the one thing that feels good: Sex.
Therefore, communication is key! If something doesn’t feel right say something! I guarantee your partner feels the same way it’s all about who will be brave enough to say the first word!
Now this particular topic is a favorite of mine because I struggle with recognizing the cue’s of the Ego coming out in both my male and female counterparts. Now as everyone may know that the Ego is more widely associated with men, but women have pretty strong Ego’s as well. Now, some of you may wonder exactly what is the Ego? Well, in a relationship sense men and women want to feel like they are THE BEST and your ONE and ONLY. Now looking at that statement logically does anyone see a problem with this?? Well, I do! First of all, it’s really hard to nearly impossible to have every sexual encounter be THE BEST and they are 7 billion people that inhabits the Earth. Some of whom you may call yours friends, work buddies, associates, secret admires, etc. So there’s no way one person can be your ONE and Only.
We all depend on one another for the good and services that we provide to ensure our survival for the next generation. We need other people to help us during break ups, deaths, assaults, thefts, etc. We also need people to celebrate and cheer with us for weddings, wanted pregnancies, job promotions, buying a new house, etc. During these tragic and invite-full events we get close, we fall apart, we become enemies, we fall in love. Who really is to blame for being human and having emotions that ties us together and build us up. Therefore, your Ego is nothing more, but an illusion of the Self and how you want and think you are view by others. Your Ego creates an impairment of reality because when you view the world you see your past, you see how others have treated you, you see the small part you play in this world and you see a lack of instead of what is.
Embracing authentic love is very difficult to do when you have a very active Ego. Your Ego fears realness and true compassion because it feels that your going to disappear and not be special anymore. It feels that without it you will be lost and have no identity and no one will care… But that’s not true because when you are around those special people or that special person you catch a glimpse of true reality when you can only see just them…
No thoughts, no beliefs, no perceptions, just embracing the energy that’s surrounding the atmosphere and that’s when you feel the window to your inner Essence.
I know I sound very weird for saying this, but ejaculation during sex is so over rated! Now before you decide to stop reading this Please Listen and Hear Me Out! Society and the American culture puts so much emphasizes on men to perform that they lose out on the beauty of just being in the moment. I mean actually focusing their awareness on the breath, the smell, taking in the atmosphere, feeling how good he/she feels to you at that particular moment. Understanding that there is no one else in this world that matter right now, but your partner. It’s important to feel the connection that is established at that moment of impact. Imprint his/her smell, touch, body, aroma, sight, taste and sound and I guarantee whether you ejaculate or not it will go unnoticed…
Men are taught to rigidly conform to cultural myths and have lots of guilt and negative feelings if they don’t hold up their end, especially if their sexual needs differ from the culturally accepted norms. If they have difficulty in achieving the standards of maleness they are told to remain silent and bear the load. The limits imposed by these standards inhibit men from exploring and fulfilling the total range of sexual options.
Some men have difficulties just learning how to receive because they are so use to performing just to get results. There is a growing awareness in our culture today that men are seeking to discover their uniqueness as being male. We are beginning to see both men and women redefining their relationship, each to the other. This will require a lot of healing of wounds inflicted by self on self and on the other. So here are some FUN SUGGESTIONS!!! to increase your options and enjoy being in the moment!
1. Receive strokes. Explain to your partner how you want to be touched.
2. Share feelings. Ask your partner to share with you.
3. Masturbate freely; be your own lover at least once a week.
4. Have sex only when YOU want it.
5. Seek the kinds of sexual experiences you want.
6. Learn how to play with your sexual response cycle. Imagine how you would like something you’ve never tried.
7. Learn to say YES.
8. Learn to say NO.
9. Talk about sex with your partner.
10. Pamper yourself.
11. Touch yourself all over.
12. Take a long hot bath for pleasure after you shower for cleanliness.
13. Stroke your body with velvet, feathers, leather, anything you wish.
14. Touch your partner’s body for your own pleasure.
15. Have a sexual experience with your partner without having sex.
18. Look at your body, all over, in the mirror.
19. Look at your partner’s body.
20. DON’T PERFORM.
Let me know how it goes!!
Please let me know if any of these suggestions worked for you!