Now in honor of my birthday month; I would like to introduce my favorite Bonding exercise. This exercise comes from Kerry and Diane Riley in their book Tantric Secrets For Men :What Every Woman Will Want Her Man To Know About Enhancing Sexual Ecstasy. Though they focus on the relationship between a man and a woman, I encourage members of all sexual orientations to employ the technique in their relationship, whenever necessary. The purpose of this practice is to create harmony when both partners are fighting. Lets face it, some of us have a tendency to antagonize a situation and create more disharmony out of anger. This practice calls us back to consciousness with the realization that the love and trust is always there. It’s the clarity that goes beyond Ego, self doubt, pity, guilt, shame and anger. It’s a way to ensure that the love that is embedded in both partners will never turn to hate; unless they choose. According to Kerry and Diane, it’s best that both partners agree to perform this exercise when one calls upon the other to do so. It does not matter the situation, both partners must give their WORD. If not, then you threaten the union of trust in your relationship. I understand that some arguments can be fierce and even debilitating at times, where you cannot fathom touching your partner. When the intensity is that high take a ten minute break and take a walk around the block, go run, take shower or whatever you need to do in order to calm down. However, it is imperative that you come back! and perform this exercise with your mate. Let them understand that no matter what ” I still love you.”
The Bonding Practice
According to Kerry and Diane, you must first start in the nurturing position. (As shown above) The male must lie on his back as his partner lies besides him and put their hand on his chest. The male must place his right arm around his partner in a nurturing manner. Your partner places their right hand over the male’s heart and the male places his left hand on top of his partners. The male must bend his right knee and place it between his partner’s legs, touching their genital region. His partner’s right leg must bend over the male’s leg so their knee touches the male’s genital region. “This connects the heart center, where you can open to give and receive love again, with the sexual center, which, for a man, tends to open more to wanting intimacy. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart center, and touching her sexual center with your leg reverses her normal reactive behavior to close down sex to you in times of conflict” (pg.63). At this point, one or both of you may be resisting. But both of you have made an agreement to diffuse the situation and create harmony through the awareness of letting go. Concentrate on the breathe, become one and be still. Listening to relaxing music can sometimes help.
“Now work with the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath, or you will feel your partner doing this. The secret is to reverse the process of shutting down to one of opening up. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth- Aah! Repeat this at least ten times, coordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both of you must participate” (pg.64). Once you breathe out, make sure to let go of any resentment or the need to be right. Let go of all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. “As you continue with the breathing allow your mind to quiet, allow the inner chatter about about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart centers. Focusing on the breath, consciously release all tension and argumentative thoughts until your body and mind are completely relaxed” (pg.64). The requesting partner centers on the heart being open-feeling love, caring, compassion and forgiveness. Aid these qualities into your heart as a sentiment or visualization, whichever works best for you. “Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart center. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Think of this as healing her inner child. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you” (pg.64). Your partner focuses on being nurtured and cared for and then brings their attention to their hand on the male’s heart, opening each partner to more love again. If the moment feels right, your partner can move their hand to the male’s genital region holding this area for a few minutes while the active partner keeps his/her hand other partner’s heart. This fosters the reemergence of stifled sexuality through the harmonization of reconnecting emotions. Now the partners must switch roles, remembering to reposition themselves comfortably before beginning. Be sure that each partner remains in either role for at least 5 minutes to obtain the desired results.
Now that step two has been sufficiently completed, the partners can come face to face and hold one another as they naturally would. While holding each other hands are in natural positions, neither partner needs to have their hand on a heart or genital. Remain silent, keeping focus on breathing and releasing thoughts. Let the relaxation continue to calm and comfort you. Each partner then looks lovingly and deeply into each others eyes, transcending you both into your greater selves. On this level of self worrying about how to make your partner different is no longer a priority because showing them your love is at the forefront. It is imperative that the partners retain eye contact and focus on viewing their partner as someone who is loving and in need of love. It is through this deep, yet gentle eye contact that healing occurs. You are becoming practitioners of each others hearts and minds through demonstrating “compassion, care, and concern.” Remembering to breathe retain this position for a couple of minutes or when the mood permits, one of you says, “I am sorry we were fighting. I love you.” the remaining partner “listens, breathes in, and internally accepts this. Then he/she says, I’m sorry to, and I love you.” then you embrace one another passionately and seal it with a kiss. It is crucial that both partners refrain from saying ” I forgive you, but next time…” or anything remotely similar, as it would make the entire bonding process null and void. The best thing to do after the verbal exchange is hugging and kissing, taking a walk, or going out for a treat. The issue can be revisited the next day or at least several hours later because trying to handle it directly after bonding while each partner is vulnerable and trusting, could damage the relationship.