Jun 14 2012

Sexual Bonding Practice

Now in honor of my birthday month; I would like to introduce my favorite Bonding exercise. This exercise comes from Kerry and Diane Riley in their book Tantric Secrets For Men :What Every Woman Will Want Her Man To Know About Enhancing Sexual Ecstasy. Though they focus on the relationship between a man and a woman, I encourage members of all sexual orientations to employ the technique in their relationship,  whenever necessary. The purpose of this practice is to create harmony when both partners are fighting. Lets face it, some of us have a tendency to antagonize a situation and create more disharmony out of anger. This practice calls us back to consciousness with the realization that the love and trust is always there. It’s the clarity that goes beyond Ego, self doubt, pity, guilt, shame and anger. It’s a way to ensure that the love that is embedded in both partners will never turn to hate; unless they choose.  According to Kerry and Diane, it’s best that both partners agree to perform this exercise when one calls upon the other to do so. It does not matter the situation, both partners must give their WORD. If not, then you threaten the union of trust in your relationship. I understand that some arguments can be fierce and even debilitating at times, where you cannot fathom touching your partner. When the intensity is that high take a ten minute break and take a walk around the block, go run, take shower or whatever you need to do in order to calm down. However, it is imperative that you come back! and perform this exercise with your mate. Let them understand that no matter what ” I still love you.”

The Bonding Practice

Step 1

According to Kerry and Diane, you must first start in the nurturing position. (As shown above) The male must lie on his back as his partner lies besides him and put their hand on his chest. The male must place his right arm around his partner in a nurturing manner. Your partner places their right hand over the male’s heart and the male places his left hand on top of his partners. The male must bend his right knee and place it between his partner’s legs, touching their genital region. His partner’s right leg must bend over the male’s leg so their knee touches the male’s genital region. “This connects the heart center, where you can open to give and receive love again, with the sexual center, which, for a man, tends to open more to wanting intimacy. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart center, and touching her sexual center with your leg reverses her normal reactive behavior to close down sex to you in times of conflict” (pg.63).  At this point, one or both of you may be resisting. But both of you have made an agreement to diffuse the situation and create harmony through the awareness of letting go. Concentrate on the breathe, become one and be still. Listening to relaxing music can sometimes help.

Step 2

“Now work with the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath, or you will feel your partner doing this. The secret is to reverse the process of shutting down to one of opening up. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth- Aah! Repeat this at least ten times, coordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both of you must participate” (pg.64). Once you breathe out, make sure to let go of any resentment or the need to be right. Let go of all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. “As you continue with the breathing allow your mind to quiet, allow the inner chatter about about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart centers. Focusing on the breath, consciously release all tension and argumentative thoughts until your body and mind are completely relaxed” (pg.64).  The requesting partner centers on the heart being open-feeling love, caring, compassion and forgiveness. Aid these qualities into your heart as a sentiment or visualization, whichever works best for you. “Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart center. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Think of this as healing her inner child. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you” (pg.64). Your partner focuses on being nurtured and cared for and then brings their attention to their hand on the male’s heart, opening each partner to more love again. If the moment feels right, your partner can move their hand to the male’s genital region holding this area for a few minutes while the active partner keeps his/her hand other partner’s  heart. This fosters the reemergence of stifled sexuality through the harmonization of reconnecting emotions. Now the partners must switch roles, remembering to reposition themselves comfortably before beginning. Be sure that each partner remains in either role for at least 5 minutes to obtain the desired results.

Step 3

Now that step two has been sufficiently completed, the partners can come face to face and hold one another as they naturally would. While holding each other hands are in natural positions, neither partner needs to have their hand on a heart or genital. Remain silent, keeping focus on breathing and releasing thoughts. Let the relaxation continue to calm and comfort you. Each partner then looks lovingly and deeply into each others eyes, transcending you both into your greater selves. On this level of self  worrying about how to make your partner different is no longer a priority because showing them your love is at the forefront. It is imperative that the partners retain eye contact and focus on viewing their partner as someone who is loving and in need of love. It is through this deep, yet gentle eye contact that healing occurs. You are becoming practitioners of each others hearts and minds through demonstrating “compassion, care, and concern.” Remembering to breathe retain this position for a couple of minutes or when the mood permits, one of you says, “I am sorry we were fighting. I love you.” the remaining partner “listens, breathes in, and internally accepts this. Then he/she says, I’m sorry to, and I love you.”  then you embrace one another passionately and seal it with a kiss. It is crucial that both partners refrain from saying ” I forgive you, but next time…” or anything remotely similar, as it would make the entire bonding process null and void. The best thing to do after the verbal exchange is hugging and kissing, taking a walk, or going out for a treat. The issue can be revisited the next day or at least several hours later because trying to handle it directly after bonding while each partner is vulnerable and trusting, could damage the relationship.

May 20 2012

Bisexuality: Either all or Nothing (Part 2)

I have received a lot of conflicting feedback from Part 1 of this article. Apparently, I have struck a nerve with this thought provoking information. As an educator I am thrilled to know that everyone is taking there stand on this topic, while still being open minded enough to hear what I have to say. However, I do not believe I have effectively clarified the point of view of was trying to make. Some viewers thought I was trying to make my opinion on the Nature vs Nurture aspect of our sexual orientation. Advocating that our orientations are merely shaped by our social conditioning and inherited culture. On the contrary, in fact, the Nature vs Nurture debate was not on the forefront of this topic, but it does hold a lot of president over how we see the world through our eyes. However, the point of view of was making is simply this: What if the majority of people living in this world are naturally bisexual? Now the reason why I pose such a bold question and interesting point of view is going back to the Kinsey Study ( known as The Kinsey Scale) I illustrated in Part 1.

Remember, according to the statistic only 8% of males are exclusively homosexual and only 4% of males in this country are exclusively homosexual throughout their lives. That means the majority of men encountered both incidental and more than incidental homosexual situations and vice versa. Now the same can be said about females as well. According to Researchers, lesbians only make up roughly 10% of the female population.  Now think about this, have you ever noticed when some people reveal their anecdotal experience of how they became aware of their homosexual nature they nearly always started out in a heterosexual relationship? Now with some people the only thing that tipped the scale was encountering an individual that induced the feeling of wholeness and oneness within themselves and each other that they never experienced with their heterosexual mates. Bottom line is biologically, the majority of us are prone to being attracted to the same and/or opposite sex, but it’s the connections we make, the feelings we induce and the love that we share that can reshape a person’s sexuality.

The Kinsey Scale

May 16 2012

Bisexuality: Either all or Nothing (Part 1)

This subject matter is very controversial in the eyes of those who struggles with how they would correctly identify their sexual orientation. Heterosexual and homosexual orientations are clearly defined once they have been properly identified and accepted by each individual. However, when it comes to bisexuality the lines are very grey and still taboo to how one can come to the conclusion that they are bisexual. Now whether you are hetero, homo or bi it is defined as either male or female having interpersonal interest (with their male/and or female counterparts) emotionally, psychologically, socially and sexually, whether or not these interests are expressed overtly. Now for the longest people have picked apart this definition in order to degrade, punish, manipulate, exploit and confusion who they really as a sexual being. Many people have beliefs that if an individual has any type of attraction to some one of the same sex they are classified as homosexual/ and or bi. Now clearly from that definition alone there must be more clarification in order to identify.

According to Alfred Kinsey, in his book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, found that 37% of American males have at least one homosexual experience to orgasm after the age of puberty, while another 13% have homosexual urges, but do not act on them. Now that adds up to 50%. The Kinsey statistics have also indicated that, in any given 3 year period, 30% of the males in this country have incidental homosexual experience, 25% have more than incidental homosexual experience, 18% have as much homosexual as heterosexual experience, 10% are more or less exclusively homosexual, and 8% are exclusively homosexual. 4% of the men in this country, their findings showed, are exclusively homosexual throughout their lives. These statistics alone show the struggles we deal with in order to find out who we are due to social conditioning of the American culture. However, these statistics also brings up another controversial idea that have been suggested and speculated by many of the earliest Sexologist, which is the idea that we are all naturally bisexual. Many of the earliest Sexologist believe that if we were not afraid of our own bodies and other people’s bodies, and not intimidated by our prior conditioning, we would all be naturally bisexual. This is why it is easy to imagine some people choosing to be homosexual and some choosing to be heterosexual on the basis of individual preference developed through experience rather than through conditioning. Think about it. We naturally have relationships with both males and females on any given day.  We exchange emotional, psychological and social explorations with all of our friends and natural day to day interactions with other people. The only difference being those who we are sexually attracted to, but we are constantly exchanging thoughts and emotions with everyone who we have a connection with. Therefore, bisexuality is really an expression of one’s true nature and one’s connection with other people. Bisexuals are attracted to “people” not necessarily to penises or clitorises; their style of life implies that people can love and enjoy other people without owning and imprisoning them.

May 10 2012

National Celebration of Self-Love: Kegel Exercise

Now for those of you who do not know May is National Masturbation Month. So in honor of Masturbation May, I am going to explain the use and purpose of Kegel exercises as well as how to properly practice each technique. Kegel exercises are designed to strengthen and give you voluntary control over a muscle called the Pubococcygeus (pew-bo-kak-se-gee-us), or PC muscle. This is the major muscle for male and female orgasm contraction. The PC muscle stretches from the base of the spine, where it connects to the tailbone, to the front of the body, where it connects to the pubic bone. Exercising the PC muscle can help you increase your awareness of feelings in your genital area, Increase blood circulation in your genital area, increase your sexual responsiveness, help restore vaginal muscle tone following childbirth, and increase your control over your orgasm. According to Kerry and Diane Riley authors of Tantric Secrets For Men:What Every Woman Will Want Her Man To Know About Enhancing Sexual Ecstasy, for men exercising the PC muscle becomes extremely important because it strengthen the erection and increases the sensation of the climax, which is imperative the older men become. In order to locate the PC muscle, when it is time to urinate, try to start and stop the flow of urine with your legs apart (without moving your legs together). The PC muscle is what stops the flow. Now if you don’t get it the first time, try again the next time you need to urinate; don’t give up! Men can stand.

PC-muscle-in-man-and-woman

The Techniques:

Slow Kegels

Tighten the PC muscle (like how you stopped the flow of urine) for a slow count of 3. Then relax the muscle.

Quick Kegels

Tighten and release as quickly as you can. It will feel like a flutter. You will gradually gain more control.

Pull in/ Pull out

Pull up your entire pelvic area as if you’re trying to suck up water into your genitals. Then push out or bear down as if your trying to push the imaginary water out. (This technique will use several “stomach” or “abdominal” muscles as well as your PC muscle).

Repetitions

At first do 10 of these exercises (1 set), 3 times a day (3 exercises x 10 times x 3 times times a day = 90 total exercises to start.)

Each week add 5 more times to each exercise. Example: Week 2-3 sets x 15 times x 3 times a day; Week 3-3 sets x 20 times x 3 times a day; Week 4-3 sets x 25 times x 3 times a day.

ENJOY!!!!

May 4 2012

Faking Orgasms

Why do men and women fake orgasms? Now that is a trivial question pointing to two rival factors: social and biological.There are many societal acceptance that associates women being the “culprit ” for faking orgasms and society says: “that’s OK!” Many men and women share common excuses for faking orgasms such as:

  • Only mature women do this in order to keep their man.
  • We didn’t want our partners to know we didn’t reach orgasm, for the sake of protecting his/her and our own ego.
  •  We were not quite sure what an orgasm was.

Now there are many many more excuses we give in order to justify our inability to reach full sexual satisfaction, but some fail to realize that they’re biological factors at play as well. Men and women’s cognitive structures are very different because of the  amount neuron-hormones they secrete. Women, in general, have a more sensitive route in achieving sexual satisfaction. According to Louann Brizendine M.D. the author of The Female Brain, in order for a woman to be sexually excited her amygdala (area of the brain that controls anger, anxiety and fear)  must be deactivated. In other words, a woman must feel comfortable, safe and relaxed before her physiological responses will let her become sexually excited. The amygdala can be reactivated at anytime  during sexual activity. Any type of disruption can really caught off a woman’s chance in reaching an orgasm. Whether it be the baby’s crying, the mood is off, your partner’s moans is a turn off, your teenage decided to come home early, etc. Anything or anyone can become your orgasm’s worst enemy and your worst nightmare!

Now for the men,  men are very visual creatures. Men’s arousal are activated due to their primal instincts of female attractiveness. According to John Townsend the author of What Women Want-What Men Want:Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, unconsciously men associates wide hips, clear skin, shiny hair, and firm breast as signs of fertility.  Therefore, men’s primary turn on is with the female body or  the male body they are attracted to. Now I have seen such cases when men are deceived due to women’s style of clothing. Nowadays you can add or take away whatever part of your body that needs adjustment. But sometimes this can put men in really compatible situations where they are left feeling disgusted with themselves because they weren’t attracted to the” woman’s actual body.” Now when this happens, your brain is telling you that your partner would not be a  good candidate for procreation.  However, still they’re many different variables that can further explain why you cannot achieve an orgasm. Faking it will only get you but so far until you become utterly pissed and annoyed with your partner’s very existence! But I digress…. The important message here is to communicate, experiment and know your body’s physiological responses so you can better understand yourself as a sexual being.

Apr 25 2012

Disconnection During Sex

One of the reasons why I’m such a strong advocate for healthy sexual practices is because it create a strong bond or connection between both partners. When you choose to be sexually intimate with someone; you are choosing to surrender some of your barriers and acknowledge your vulnerability to that person. Now the reason why only some of your barriers are being surrendered is because you are choosing to trust that person with your life (i.e STIs, unwanted pregnancies, assaults, etc).  It does not matter how well or how little you know that person the initial process is always the same when you choose to trust. Now the beautiful thing about sex is ability to feel your partner’s energy field. Now the energy field implies the vibration frequency of your current state of mind or emotion. Every living and non-living thing has a vibration frequency attached to it. This is why we are able to empathizes with one another as well as sense positive or negative energy when we associate ourselves among a crowd. Therefore, the energy field that you can sense is your partner’s current emotion.

Part of what of makes good sex are both energy fields connecting and bonding with one another.The energy fields are vibrating at the same frequency, which mean both partners are on the same page on what they want or what they are looking for at that current moment. So, whether it be “we’re just fucking” or “we’re just making love” both partners are communicating effectively in their relationship pertaining to what they want. Therefore, sex can merely be just a reflection of your current communication skills in the relationship. Now a disconnect occurs when both partners are not on the same page. Whether it’s one person choosing to open up their heart and the other person is choosing to hold back or one person just wants to fuck while the other person is trying to make love, or etc. You can feel that disconnect or awkwardness that takes over the moment. Now some people choose to ignore it and others choose to acknowledge it, but they don’t understand how to articulate what it is that they’re feeling. So what happens ? Well, we create an illusion of how we want to feel. We create a person that doesn’t exist because we want to hide our pain and suffer less by attaching to the one thing that feels good: Sex.

Therefore, communication is key! If something doesn’t feel right say something! I guarantee your partner feels the same way it’s all about who will be brave enough to say the first word!

Apr 22 2012

Ego: The Best, My One and Only

Now this particular topic is a favorite of mine because I struggle with recognizing the cue’s of the Ego coming out in both my male and female counterparts. Now as everyone may know that the Ego is more widely associated with men, but women have pretty strong Ego’s as well. Now, some of you may wonder exactly what is the Ego? Well, in a relationship sense men and women want to feel like they are THE BEST and your ONE and ONLY.  Now looking at that statement logically does anyone see a problem with this?? Well, I do! First of all, it’s really hard to nearly impossible to have every sexual encounter be THE BEST and they are  7 billion people that inhabits the Earth. Some of whom you may call yours friends, work buddies, associates, secret admires, etc. So there’s no way one person can be your ONE and Only.

We all depend on one another for the good and services that we provide to ensure our survival for the next generation. We need other people to help us during break ups, deaths, assaults, thefts, etc. We also need people to celebrate and cheer with us for weddings, wanted pregnancies, job promotions, buying a new house, etc. During these tragic and invite-full events we get close, we fall apart, we become enemies, we fall in love. Who really is to blame for being human and having emotions that ties us together and build us up. Therefore, your Ego is nothing more, but an illusion of the Self and how you want and think you are view by others. Your Ego creates an impairment of reality because when you view the world you see your past, you see how others have treated you, you see the small part you play in this world and you see a lack of instead of what is.

Embracing authentic love is very difficult to do when you have a very active Ego. Your Ego fears realness and true compassion because it feels that your going to disappear and not be special anymore. It feels that without it you will be lost and have no identity and no one will care… But that’s not true because when you are around those special people or that special person you catch a glimpse of true reality when you can only see just them…

No thoughts, no beliefs, no perceptions, just embracing the energy that’s surrounding the atmosphere and that’s when you feel the window to your inner Essence.

Apr 22 2012

Performance Coitus?

I know I sound very weird for saying this, but ejaculation during sex is so over rated! Now before you decide to stop reading this Please Listen and Hear Me Out! Society and the American culture puts so much emphasizes on  men to perform that they lose out on the beauty of just being in the moment. I mean actually focusing their awareness on the breath, the smell, taking in the atmosphere, feeling how good he/she feels to you at that particular moment. Understanding that there is no one else in this world that matter right now, but your partner. It’s important to feel the connection that is established at that moment of impact. Imprint his/her smell, touch, body, aroma, sight, taste and sound and I guarantee whether you ejaculate or not it will go unnoticed…

FUN FACTS

Men are taught to rigidly conform to cultural myths and have lots of guilt and negative feelings if they don’t hold up their end, especially if their  sexual needs differ from the culturally accepted norms. If they have difficulty in achieving the standards of maleness they are told to remain silent and bear the load. The limits imposed by these standards inhibit men from exploring and fulfilling the total range of sexual options.

Some men have difficulties just learning how to receive because they are so use to performing just to get  results. There is a growing awareness in our culture today that men are seeking to discover their uniqueness as being male. We are beginning to see both men and women redefining their relationship, each to the other. This will require a lot of healing of wounds inflicted by self on self and on the other. So here are some FUN SUGGESTIONS!!! to increase your options and enjoy being in the moment!

1. Receive strokes. Explain to your partner how you want to be touched.

2. Share feelings. Ask your partner to share with you.

3. Masturbate freely; be your own lover at least once a week.

4. Have sex only when YOU want it.

5. Seek the kinds of sexual experiences you want.

6. Learn how to play with your sexual response cycle. Imagine how you would like something you’ve never tried.

7. Learn to say YES.

8. Learn to say NO.

9. Talk about sex with your partner.

10. Pamper yourself.

11. Touch yourself all over.

12. Take a long hot bath for pleasure after you shower for cleanliness.

13. Stroke your body with velvet, feathers, leather, anything you wish.

14. Touch your partner’s body for your own pleasure.

15. Have a sexual experience with your partner without having sex.

16. Lick.

17. Breath.

18. Look at your body, all over, in the mirror.

19. Look at your partner’s body.

20. DON’T PERFORM.

Enjoy!!

Let me know how it goes!!

Please let me know if any of these suggestions worked for you!

Apr 22 2012

Mastubation Exercise

Majority of those who masturbate are pretty routine on their form and methods for getting off. So, maybe it’s time to switch it up a bit! The more we learn to vary the stimuli, the more possibilities are open to us to increase our pleasure. During this exercise try to find at least ONE new way to masturbate enjoyably. Experiment with many of the following suggestions as you can during your daily hour. Now the GOAL is to create a new sensation, but not to orgasm! If you orgasm, fine, but it’s okay if the new experience doesn’t cause an orgasm. The purpose of this exercise is to make yourself aware of the different atmospheres, situations and objects that proved to be pleasurable. It’s about knowing and understanding yourself more as a sexual being and becoming mindful of the other stimuli that can arouse the beast inside!  Who’s up for the challenge???!

1. Try a different place; a different room, outside in a private location, a rocking chair, the shower, the floor, etc.

2 Make at least one change in the environment of your space: lights lower, lights higher, colored lights, different music, different scents, a mirror, a picture.

3. Change the time of day: morning, during the day, after lunch, before a date, before an important meeting or test.

4. Change from the hand you usually use, use both hands.

5. Change body positions. Try sitting, standing, kneeling, legs apart, legs together, on your stomach, on your back, on your side, with your buttocks propped up on a pillow, sitting in the lotus position.

6. Change to a different fantasy, if you have fantasies.

7. Experiment with other things besides your hands and fingers: vibrator, running water, a piece of fur, a silk scarf, leather, a feather, textured objects.

8. Try a different kind of lubrication, oil, creme, saliva, etc.

Enjoy!!

 

Now if anyone has any other questions or other techniques and topics you want me to talk about don’t hesitate and just ask!!!

Apr 22 2012

Soma Touch

Masturbation is self-stimulation for sexual pleasure. Every part of the body can be stimulated, but usually the focus is on the genitals. Masturbation usually, but not always leads to orgasm. Now, there are no “right ways” or “wrong ways” to masturbate! Masturbation is not limited to genital jacking or jilling off, but can include the whole body. Some people find ways to masturbate and orgasm without fondling their genitals manually such as:

1. Squeezing the legs together.

2 Kegel exercises

3 Rubbing the pelvis against a pillow, bed, or the floor while on their stomach.

4 Running a stream of water over the genitals

5 Fantasizing

6. Caressing other places on the body: ears, nipples, thighs, etc.

7. Wearing tight pants, riding motorcycles, bicycles, or horses. Use your imagination!

FUN FACT

According to the Kinsey Study, 90% of men interviewed masturbated to orgasm in four minutes or less. 40% of women interviewed masturbated. 70% of these women reached orgasm in 3 to 5 minutes.